I write this post just over a month since my Father passed. I have to admit, it feels a lot longer than a month, more like a century. It has been a hard time to say the least.
My Dad was a troubled man, he drank heavily, battled mental health problems, and was alone since my Mother and he divorced. I was 8.
I spoke to him near enough every couple of days, usually to update him with my life, all my troubles and strife and everything in between. He would in turn, bore me with a history lesson of some kind, or tell me the name of an old song he liked that he thought directly related to whatever situation I was in at that time. I deeply enjoyed those phone calls however nonchalant I felt about them at the time. Oh hindsight is a horrendous and sometimes wonderful thing.
I told my Father everything, well everything a daughter can tell her Father without it being weird. I took this very much for granted as I’ve never felt so lonely now. Like there is no one in the world that can or would listen to me the way he once did.
Grief is a funny thing, no two people deal with it the same. We’ve all heard about the ‘stages’ grief entails: anger,denial,depression,acceptance and so on. But ultimately there is no text book version on how to deal with grief. I’m going through the motions day by day, trying my very best to stay positive as I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted.
But to be brutally honest, I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this. A piece of me has left with him and I don’t feel like the same person I was before. I would give anything, absolutely anything just to have one last phone call with him, one last hug, one last anything for that matter. We shall meet again I’m sure, but until then I truly believe he’s watching over me (he better be) : )
So as mentioned in my last post I’ve been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff and in turn my ‘high-flying’ dating life has came across its very own dry spell.
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So as of late I’ve been dealing with some heavy stuff and therefore my blog has been somewhat neglected over the past month or so. It amazes me really, I mean I love to write and whenever I’ve completed a post I feel better about things (stupid i know) but I feel like I’ve told a story, told a story I can’t tell anyone in real life, so therefore a weight has been lifted in an essence.
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Having standards when it comes to relationships can be a positive and a negative. It’s a good thing to set yourself standards as it shows you know what you want when it comes to men and relationships, but it can also lead you to ignore guys that might just be right for you.
I have plenty of standards that I try to stick to when dating such as: good job, good looks, sense of humour, independent, caring, no mummy’s boys, no men that wear tracksuits and trainers every day of their lives, the list goes on.
I’ll be the first to admit that most of my standards are superficial, but girls will be girls and we want what we want.
I tend to be attracted to a certain type of man, but what if the man that was right for me did wear tracksuits and loved their Mums with all their heart, would I simply put him in the friend zone due to my ‘standards’. I can’t answer that question all I know ultimately I just want someone who knows which songs not to talk over.
Im just a simple girl and when it comes to love and I don’t think any of us ask for much, just simple, sweet love.
I ask myself this question on the worst possible day….Valentines Day!!!!
I believe all singletons feel the pressure on today more than most. Today is the day your Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat feeds light up in red roses and pink hearts. You are profoundly reminded that you are ALONE and SINGLE today and it leaves me wondering is there ever a good time to be single?
Last night I was laying in my bed watching another explosive episode of ‘Dance Moms’ (Yes I’m aware what a thrilling social life I have). All of a sudden I heard a loud scratching sound coming from the ceiling. Now, being a horror movie enthusiast I instantly jumped to the conclusion of this noise being the result of a demon spirit coming to possess me. It left me very uneasy and I looked through my phone book searching for someone to call to console my freakish paranoia. It suddenly dawned on me, it was 1am and the only male I could call was an old booty call and as you can imagine this left me feeling very alone . The noise and my fear soon subsided but it left me with a different feeling, a feeling of need, a need for someone, who I don’t know? Just someone to be around in times of need. I put this feeling down to the looming Valentines day.
Waking up with a clear unobstructed by alcohol head, I soon realised how wrong of me it was to feel that way I did the night before. Im an independent 20 something, not so ugly woman. I have a good career, great friends and family and I’m well on the way to becoming the person I want to be and I’ve done this all by myself, with no man to aid me. And with this thought I soon began to feel extremely proud of myself. Yes men have played various roles in my life so far, teaching me lessons I probably needed to learn, but everything I have at present I have worked for myself. Im not ruling out love, but as of right now, for me, it is one hell of a good time to be single!
FWB aka ‘friends with benefits’ as I’m sure any woman will tell you is a dangerous game and those who act nonchalant about the matter are bold face liars.
I’ve had my fair share of FWB arrangements in my time and do not remember any of them fondly. Of course the easy access sex whenever you want is great but that is pretty much the only detail I care to recall with any great passion.
But and there is always a but: lines soon become blurry and you lose sight of why you really began this arrangement in the first place, you dream up reasons as to why your perfect for one another and you long to be the ‘exception’ to the rule.
Let me explain…
The rule: Never sleep with a guy on the first date as you will only ever be the girl that put out on the first date!
The exception: You sleep with a guy on the first date he calls you the next day for a second date and you eventually become the most happiest and charming couple that ever walked the earth.
Now the rule that applies to FWB is as follows:
The rule: Friends with benefits relationships can only ever be that, neither party will fall for the other and no feelings should ever come from this arrangement as it is strictly convenient and sexual only!
The exception: FWB arrangement turns into the most happiest and charming couple that ever walked the earth.
Some call this the exception and being the pessimist that I am, well I call it delusion at its highest form of intensity.
And with that being said I was no exception to this self professed rule of delusion. I like many others allowed feelings to flow through me that I told myself I had never felt for anybody else with my last FWB.
It was so exciting in the beginning, now I can’t say that we had a strong friendship foundation but my god did we have great sex! That being the main element of the arrangement and the culprits way with words I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking ‘maybe we could be more’. Needless to say you know how that ended up.
With all being said I have made a vow to myself that that will be the last friends with benefits arrangement I ever partake in!!!!
Why do all women suffer with this trait. It doesn’t matter how strong of a girl you are, or how much crap you DON’T take, if a woman likes a man they will fall for anything. Even when the red warning lights are flashing and sirens are sounding and you know you SHOULD NOT trust THAT guy!
Science says it’s how women are made up.
Society says it’s because women are too ’emotional’
I say the whole thing is BULLSHIT.
What I would give to wake up tomorrow and be able to apply the same level of interest, effort and general nonchalant’ness as a guy does to his flings and relationships- I think I would be one very happy girl.
Yours truly one very frustrated